For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
