Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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