When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
