If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
