I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Randomize
