Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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