You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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