you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
