So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
