4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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