she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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