I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
