I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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