you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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