The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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