I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
