My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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