you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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