I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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