Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
