there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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