I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
