so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
