last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
