just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
