Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
where am i from again
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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