My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
