She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
