What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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