I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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