Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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