Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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