Don't make out with my wife yet
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
