so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
