I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This toilet bowl is my home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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