when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
false alarm. still invincible.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
