Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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