We won't sleep together?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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