So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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