Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
