I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
