we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
