I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
