I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
