I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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