why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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