Im at strip club and am horny
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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