The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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