just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Randomize
