One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
