i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
